Thursday, February 13, 2014

Sinkhole Relapses, Swallows Corvettes

The sinkhole that swallowed a Florida man last March, then promptly checked into a clinic for sex addiction, was at it again this week when it swallowed eight Corvettes at the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green. 

"You don't know what it's like to be consumed by the insatiable urge to suck" said Sinkhole in a press conference before the assembled presses of the world. 

When asked if Sinkhole would be sucking again any time in the near future, Sinkhole remained noncommittal, but did add voluntarilly, "Only a dumbass drives around in fiberglass." 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Improperly Labeled Roundabout Causes Halt In Heroin Consumption In Rockford, Illinois

The Main and Auburn Street Roundabout opened early Monday morning, and by 10 a.m. the city had ground to a complete standstill.  Crime bosses nationwide were calling the mayor's office to ask why heroin consumption had plummeted suddenly. The mayor was forced to confide that Rockfordians were just too damn stupid to negotiate the roundabout. 

Towing efforts began in the early afternoon, and a city spokesman said work will begin immediately to return the buildings and two lanes of smothering traffic the citizens of Rockford had come to love to hate. The 10.2 million dollar project has now become a 20.4 million dollar project, and work is expected to be completed in 2015. Meanwhile, the mayor's office recommends citizens look into alternate forms of transportation like astral projection.

Friday, April 12, 2013

I Am Momus

What if the gods didn't care about morality at all?

What if all the gods cared about was that you didn't bore the hell out of them?

Aeons and aeons being forced to watch this farce, and all you want is to see someone, anyone, do something original, interesting, or even slightly taboo.

Please, break the rules. If I see one more pious human trying to buy their way into heaven by restraining the very desires and appetites I took such pains to instill in them 

Deride me. Mock me. Cast your frustrations and shortcomings upon me.

Have other gods before me. I have other things to do anyway. Your worship adds nothing to me, and your negligence takes nothing away from me.

Ignore my few admonitions. I am amused by the consequences of your hubris. 

I am Momus. Humor is an absolute defense.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Cloudy Syphilitic Piss Mistaken For Award Winning Beer At Prestigious Festival

Cloudy Syphilitic Piss was mistaken for an award-winning craft beer at last Friday's "Greater Scranton Amateur Beer Awards," but before the hoaxster was revealed, several hundred people had already agreed the heady brew was the belle of the beer bash. Hoaxster Tristan Fellows claims his now world famous beer was discovered quite accidentally. "I got syphilis from this batshit nuts chick at the gym," fellows confessed, "and one night I was too lazy to get up from my Call of Duty game, so I just whipped it out and pissed in this Scooby Doo collector's glass my roommate had gotten with his Happy Meal at Wendy's. A few minutes later he came out of his bedroom and drank it by accident. He thought it was so good I didn't have the heart to tell him it was my urine." 

But beer experts at the festival didn't seem to care they were drinking piss. "It's slightly fishy, but lively, and 
has a faint undertone that reminds me of my wife's pussy," said one expert taster (standing next to a woman who looked like a batshit nuts gym rat). By the end of the night all formality had been abandoned, and hipsters and Yuppies alike were paying Fellows upwards of twenty dollars to piss in their mouths.

The pretentious jerkoffs need more beer. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

How We Vote In Rockford, Illinois

     Had to wake the registrar up. He said "Oh, that's today?" I said, "Ya." He opened up the building, dusted off the voter registry, confirmed I did indeed exist, then gave me a ballot. I said "Uh, this is a ballot for the 1952 Presidential election." He said "You're right, kid." Eventually we both just got drunk and he gave me a sticker so I could pretend like I voted. And that's how we vote in Rockford, Illinois.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Pussy Riot Victimized Not By Russian Oppression, But By Bi-Annual Laws That Prohibit American Trendsters From Caring About More Than Two Issues Simultaneously

Russian punkers Pussy Riot saw the writing on the wall this week when American trendsters hopped aboard the gay marriage bandwagon. 

Knowing Facebook and Twitter laws prohibit Americans from caring about more than two bandwagon celebrity causes per year, the rockers grimly resigned themselves to a several more years of bad food and prison rape.

"I guess we sort of had it coming," Pussy Riot singer Katya Samutsevich said. "For what we did to SOPA. We knew the Americans weren't capable of supporting two celebrity causes simultaneously, so it was either gay marriage or freedom of speech." 

Maybe later in the year, ladies. I'd probably work on those pics, though, if you want to be taken seriously.