Saturday, January 21, 2017

Invisible Putin Shows Up At Inauguration Demanding Hand Job From trump

Who says the trump inauguration lacked star power? An invisible Vladimir Putin showed up by surprise, demanding the first of many handies he and trump had agreed to in exchange for helping rig the American election. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Melania Trump Was Not a Prostitute In the 1990's

Contrary to a story that was published in August 2016 in the Slovakian magazine Suzy, then by British tabloid of ill repute The Daily Mail, and subsequently by the blog Liberal America, soon to be First Lady of the United States Melania Trump did not work as a paid escort for New York fashion maven Paolo Zampolli. 

Melania Trump being classy as fuck and definitely not trading sexual favors for compensation

Although it is true she was a model, and posed for this spread in GQ in January 2000 when she was first dating Donald Trump, it is most definitely not proven to be the case that she was a paid escort at any time, including now. 

The office of POTUS deserves respect, as does the role of the FLOTUS. Melania is Donald Trump's third wife, and there appears to be no cracks in their relationship. Therefore, any efforts to impugn them are out of line. 

Melania Trump was never a prostitute, and she proved it by filing a lawsuit against both The Daily Mail and wingnut blogger Webster Tarpley, who also accused Trump of being a prostitute in his blog, which I shall not name. Mr. Tarpley responded to the lawsuit, which Melania Trump was in a courtroom pursuing earlier in the week:

"Melania Trump’s lawsuit against me is without merit. Mrs. Trump is a public figure actively engaged in the Trump for president campaign. We are confident that Mrs. Trump will not be able to meet her high burden of proving the statements published about her on my website were defamatory in any way. Her lawsuit is a blatant attempt to intimidate not only me but journalists of all stripes into remaining silent with regard to public figures. This lawsuit is a direct affront to First Amendment principles and free speech in our democratic society."

First Amendment? What do you think this is, America?

If there were a list of women who definitely were not prostitutes during the 1990's, Melania Trump's name would be at the top like John Hancock. 

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Man Who Took Second Bath of Week Reports Feeling "Masculine As Hell"

Late this afternoon Mattoon, Illinois resident Thomas Falconcastle emerged from the second of two baths he has taken this week reporting he was feeling "masculine as hell." 

"I think the lavender mineral oils the kids got me for my birthday have really put me in a good head space," he told WDXR reporter Claudia Tungstun. He then went on to intimate our television crew was encroaching on an impending sexual encounter with his wife Jenny Vandenhovel.

"I've got enough for everyone, especially after that second bath, but it just doesn't feel right," the masculine man who had taken a second bath in one calendar week said before asking us to turn off our equipment so he could turn on his.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Oldest Man In the World, Holocaust Survivor, Killed At Donald Trump Rally

Israel Kristal, a Holocaust survivor who was recently named the oldest man in the world by Guinness, was killed tonight at a Donald Trump rally in Kansas City when Donald Trump mistook him for an elderly man he had evicted in 1989 and demanded that his thugs "get him out of here." 

Israel Kristal

Just before attending the rally Kristal said "I don't know the secret for long life." "There have been smarter, stronger and better looking men then me who are no longer alive. All that is left for us to do is to keep on working as hard as we can and rebuild what is lost," he added.

Apparently one of the secrets of long life for Blacks, Latinos, women, Jews, members of the LGBT community, and anyone with an IQ over 75 is to not attend Donald Trump rallies.