Sunday, September 7, 2014

Black Crappie Mermaid of Lake Eufaula

Black Maiden Crappie Mermaid by artist Jenny Mathews

     Crappie are, in my opinion, one of the most fun fish to catch and certainly one of the best tasting fish. They swim in large schools and are found throughout most of the U.S. and into Canada. Crappie prefer fairly warm water and are normally found in nearly all types of cover. They average 6-11" fully grown, however with enough food and cover they can reach lengths up to 17".

     One of the best setups for crappie is to use a #6 hook, a small split shot, a live minnow and a slip bobber. The slip bobber will allow you adjust for any depth while not sacrificing casting ability. Hook the minnow either through both lips or just behind the top dorsal fin.

     Crappie are found in hundreds of thousands of lakes and streams throughout the U.S. In-the-know anglers haul them in spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Anything these sunfish lack in size, they compensate for with sheer numbers and the ease with which they are caught.   

  Good eating? Absolutely. Crappie have flaky, white meat suitable for a variety of recipes. Nothing is finer than crappie fillets properly prepared and cooked.  

     This Black Crappie Mermaid is the protector of Lake Eufaula.     

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

As Ukelele Girl Trend Peters Out, Untalented But Pretty Girls Forced To Return To Stripping Careers

As the trend of cute but otherwise untalented girls who play ukeleles and sing in baby voices peters out, strip club owners are reporting a boom in women returning to the time-honored "I'm a graduate student working my way through law school" trope as an excuse to not do any work of real substance or make any effort to actually learn something meaningful in this life because they are attractive. 


Wikipedia Editor Who Believed He Had Finally Lost Virginity Discovers He Was Only Fucking Taint

Sheldon Fishgreip, who has edited over six thousand Wikipedia articles, and is a renowned watchdog for internet accuracy, was forced to retract his triumphant Twitter announcement that he had finally "Had sex with another homosapien" Friday, when he was subsequently informed by the prostitute that he was in her taint the entire time. 

It was a crushing blow for Fishgreip, who, in all honesty, has no chance of ever having sex with a real woman ever again, or scraping the twenty dollars together to hire another prostitute, not even in Pittsburgh. There is a positive to this story, though, according to Fishgreip. He said his failure to have sex with a living woman has only intensified his feelings of inadequacy and motivated him to be an even more intensely passively aggressive asswipe towards other people in this Universe who actually do stuff and make things. Good luck big Sheldon, I'm sure all your fellow Wikipedia editors are pulling for you. Right now. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Man Desperate For Attention On Monday Afternoon Becomes First Human To Actually Make Tits Boring

Momus Shrugged staff writer Lester Ramson was so bored and starved for attention this afternoon that he succumbed to the temptation to exploit the female mammary gland to draw attention to his articles. After receiving only six views despite a furious Twitter campaign, Mr. Ramson has been dismissed from the Momus Shrugged staff for doing what was previously deemed impossible... making tits boring. Lester's insistent conviction that he is funny will be missed around the office, but seriously, if you can't sell tits to idiotic Americans, you gots to go. 

Now go home and get your shine boxes.



Thursday, February 13, 2014

Sinkhole Relapses, Swallows Corvettes

The sinkhole that swallowed a Florida man last March, then promptly checked into a clinic for sex addiction, was at it again this week when it swallowed eight Corvettes at the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green. 

"You don't know what it's like to be consumed by the insatiable urge to suck" said Sinkhole in a press conference before the assembled presses of the world. 

When asked if Sinkhole would be sucking again any time in the near future, Sinkhole remained noncommittal, but did add voluntarilly, "Only a dumbass drives around in fiberglass." 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Improperly Labeled Roundabout Causes Halt In Heroin Consumption In Rockford, Illinois

The Main and Auburn Street Roundabout opened early Monday morning, and by 10 a.m. the city had ground to a complete standstill.  Crime bosses nationwide were calling the mayor's office to ask why heroin consumption had plummeted suddenly. The mayor was forced to confide that Rockfordians were just too damn stupid to negotiate the roundabout. 

Towing efforts began in the early afternoon, and a city spokesman said work will begin immediately to return the buildings and two lanes of smothering traffic the citizens of Rockford had come to love to hate. The 10.2 million dollar project has now become a 20.4 million dollar project, and work is expected to be completed in 2015. Meanwhile, the mayor's office recommends citizens look into alternate forms of transportation like astral projection.