Saturday, April 16, 2016

Man Who Took Second Bath of Week Reports Feeling "Masculine As Hell"

Late this afternoon Mattoon, Illinois resident Thomas Falconcastle emerged from the second of two baths he has taken this week reporting he was feeling "masculine as hell." 


"I think the lavender mineral oils the kids got me for my birthday have really put me in a good head space," he told WDXR reporter Claudia Tungstun. He then went on to intimate our television crew was encroaching on an impending sexual encounter with his wife Jenny Vandenhovel.

"I've got enough for everyone, especially after that second bath, but it just doesn't feel right," the masculine man who had taken a second bath in one calendar week said before asking us to turn off our equipment so he could turn on his.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Oldest Man In the World, Holocaust Survivor, Killed At Donald Trump Rally

Israel Kristal, a Holocaust survivor who was recently named the oldest man in the world by Guinness, was killed tonight at a Donald Trump rally in Kansas City when Donald Trump mistook him for an elderly man he had evicted in 1989 and demanded that his thugs "get him out of here." 

Israel Kristal


Just before attending the rally Kristal said "I don't know the secret for long life." "There have been smarter, stronger and better looking men then me who are no longer alive. All that is left for us to do is to keep on working as hard as we can and rebuild what is lost," he added.

Apparently one of the secrets of long life for Blacks, Latinos, women, Jews, members of the LGBT community, and anyone with an IQ over 75 is to not attend Donald Trump rallies. 


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

New Poetry Slam League Attempts To Trick Americans Into Reading

A new national poetry slam league has been formed with the intent of raising awareness of the written and spoken word according to a statement released by Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, editor of The Journal of Outsider Poetry and commissioner of The Outsider Poetry Slam League of America. Seven teams so far have been awarded franchises in the fledgling league, including The Paducah Plain Speakers, The Chemung Shamans, The Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas, The Kokomo Oralists, The Sheboygan Syllablists, The Podunk Polemicists, and The Minooka Meter Maids. The league eventually hoped to expand to eight regional divisions divided into conferences of four teams each, much like the NFL, says commissioner Wolfsburg.

Slam poetry is a form of spoken word presentation created by Chicago poet Marc Smith in 1986 to help revitalize a lifeless poetry scene in the Windy City. Slams were first held on Sunday nights at the Get Me High Jazz club in Chicago, but eventually moved to the Green Mill when it became more popular. During a slam performance, the poet is encouraged to gesticulate, speak louder, overemphasize accents in unexpected places, and rely more on the power of style and personality than the written word itself. The first National Poetry Slam Championship was held in 1990 because everything eventually becomes a competition approximating war in America, with the Chicago team beating a San Francisco team and a New York contingent of one poet in the city of San Francisco.

The Outsider Poetry Slam League of America will similarly encourage competition, boisterous braggadocio, trash talking, and a general atmosphere of contempt and undeserved condescension towards one's opponents. "But it's all in fun" insists Erica Lowe, team captain of the Minooka Meter Maids. "We can't get away with statutory rape or trashing hotel rooms like musicians," the diminuative but oddly dominant Lowe smirked, "but damn sure can get our licks in, so to speak."



Competition in the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America will begin in May. 

Monday, February 8, 2016

New Slam Poetry League To Give Thousands of Poets Undeserved Sense of Accomplishment

The Outsider Poetry Federation announced Thursday at a teleconference that a five team league of slam poetry teams had been formed and would begin competition in May. The league has plans to branch out into all major American cities eventually, meaning there is a chance for thousands of poets to undeservedly feel better than other people. 

We caught up with Sheboygan Syllabists lead slammer Scrunto and asked him what impact he thought an organized poetry slam Federation might have on falling literacy rates among American teenagers.

Scrunto said he thought literacy rates would go up because adolescents look up to slam poets. But Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas team captain Loyd Bridges didn't seem to agree. It's hard to compete with all the electronic devices and options kids have these days the star of the show Ocean Hunt said. 

The truth is no one really know what would happen if children are exposed to poets as role models. What little research that has been conducted is largely anecdotal and suggests it could be a disaster for kids to emulate poets. 

Others disagree and say the more poetry the better. 


Thursday, February 4, 2016

Pussy Riot Members Who Refused To Blow Putin Strangely Absent From New Pussy Riot Video About the Evils of Political Imprisonment

The Pussy Riot has a new video out condemning the evils of using "Prison As a Weapon." This day the U.N. ruled that Julian Assange has been arbitrarily held for 3.5 years in Ecuador. My opinion about the former statement is implicit in my title. 


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Hillary Perfect Candidate To Remind Progressives To Remain In Broken Relationship

Hillary Clinton seems like the perfect candidate to remind Progressive voters in the Democrat party to remain in a broken relationship. They want to go. They know they should go. And the abuse that started as soon as it was taken seriously by the party establishment that many of them weren't really joking about supporting an unabashed, unapologetic Socialist candidate as the Democratic nominee seems to be getting more and more intense daily.

Democratic voters that support Bernie Sanders are similar to people who remain in abusive relationships in that the Democratic party takes them for granted, ignores their needs, and punishes them any time they even think about leaving. After however many weeks or months it takes the establishment to beat this Progressive revolution into the ground they will come back to us like any abuser apologizing that we had to be shown a lesson for our own good, and it's now in our best interest to make up, forgive and forget, and be good little boys and girls and support the party candidate.

But why? The Democratic party in many real ways that I consider significant has abandoned a large cross-section of its voters. Abandoned is too strong a word. I'll return to taken for granted. It seems like now we're in a position of waiting for a trickle down effect from our own party. A lot of people have done really well under Obama, and I am proud to have voted for him the first time. I think he repaired a lot of damage done by George W. Bush. I did not vote for him the second time, however, as my own protest. He was going to win my state, Illinois, and I wanted to cast a vote for a Jill Stein. But I was also disappointed he had left a lot of promises unfulfilled. The surveillance state is still watching our every move, we bailed out Wall Street and the auto industry and seemed to get nothing in return, Gitmo remains open, and the working and middle classes don't seem to be sharing in the robust recovery we're told has happened to the American economy.

Now Hillary promises us four more years of the same. The same what? No COLA for seniors and disabled this year. The same wars that only benefit the military/industrial complex? The same millions and millions of Americans who have no health care while we wait for a politician with enough guts to stand up to the insurance and pharmaceutical industry? The same devastation of the environment as big energy ransacks the environment? The same vampire banking industry bleeding the American worker dry? 

I don't think Hillary is the right candidate to address these problems because I think she is beholding to those interests more than she is willing to spurn them and their money in favor of doing the right thing. So, many of the issues Progressives, Liberals, even moderate Democrats consider important will probably not be solved in a Hillary Clinton administration.

By her own admission. No, we can't. We need to grow up and accept the fact that no matter what the American people want we're going to get what the people who finance her campaign want. For one, I consider being told I am an idealist and have no understanding of politics, economics, or policy insulting and condescending, but welcome to the world of the Hillary Clinton campaign.

I don't foresee a scenario where I will vote for Hillary Clinton under any circumstances. I am aware of the implications to the Supreme Court, Obamacare, and the pain cuts to social and educational programs under another Republican administration will cause in America, but I think it's time as a Progressive to plant my flag here, wish a Democratic party establishment I consider at best unresponsive to my wishes and needs good luck on their knees to corporate power, and vote my conscience.