Thursday, July 26, 2018

The Time Traveling Penis Is Muerto

It is with deep sadness that I must announce the passing of The Time Traveling Penis. He was just a dong who wanted nothing more than to travel history righting wrongs before they happened. He was lost over the Sea of Japan. His plane spiraled in. There were no survivors. Please honor the passing of a great American hero by commemorating the time he stopped Skeletor from making a catastrophic mistake.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Getting Banned By These Gwats For Writing the Perfect Joke Is An Honor

subreddit message via /r/funny[M] sent 2 years ago
you have been banned from posting to /r/funny.
you can contact the moderators regarding your ban by replying to this message. warning: using other accounts to circumvent a subreddit ban is considered a violation of reddit's site rules and can result in being banned from reddit entirely.

Bitches, I was banned from funny a long time ago, but I see you're not banned from self-righteous, self-appointed, and self-proclaimed guardian of all that is worthy of being seen by other people brigade.

from Nordoisthebest via /r/humor sent 2 years ago

I thought the Oprah joke was perfect.

It sort of was. Oprah Winfrey's Pussy 

You have been banned from the Universe

I also think Wikipedia editors are just the bees knees

Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
Luke Skywalker: Sorry.
Dr. Evazan: I don't like you either! You just watch yourself! We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.

Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!

Well, I've got the shadowban on twenty-nine planets, amigo, and I'll still be going to my friend Brett's to watch The Royal Rumble tonight, and drinking a Blue Moon I bought with my own money, so go take a flying shit in the rain.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Children's Book Author Doesn't Seem To Give a Fuck Anymore

After discovering that his seventh book would also be a flop, failed poet turned children's book author Thomas L. Vaultonburg decided that he didn't give a fuck anymore and started scribbling about feces and urination on the walls of a major American museum.

But instead of being arrested, his scribbling were turned into an art show that will run through October 1st.

Did the bold move lead to a slow golf clap that turned into a grudging admiration from his detractors and brisk sales at Amazon?


It led to him sitting on a couch in his apartment listening to Kate Jackson shriek at the end of Night of Dark Shadows and being too damn lazy to get up and turn down the volume. 

"I hadn't updated my failed satire blog Momus Shrugged in several months," Vaultonburg said through his persona Liberace Wilson, "and I thought I could kill two birds with one stone by writing about the time I had a show at a museum in a major American city where I wrote about shit and piss on the walls and no one except two dorks from a local morning show even found it vaguely interesting that I got away with doing that."

At nearly fifty, Vaultonburg now feels his creative spirit largely crushed, as his 5th, 7th, and 9th grade teachers predicted it would be. Even his hopes of inspiring at least one child were quashed as not a single child went away impressed in the least.

When asked what he plans to do next the failed poet said "Probably watch C.H.U.D. 2 and make some popcorn."

Atrocious Poems A To Z 

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Invisible Putin Shows Up At Inauguration Demanding Hand Job From trump

Who says the trump inauguration lacked star power? An invisible Vladimir Putin showed up by surprise, demanding the first of many handies he and trump had agreed to in exchange for helping rig the American election. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Melania Trump Was Not a Prostitute In the 1990's

Contrary to a story that was published in August 2016 in the Slovakian magazine Suzy, then by British tabloid of ill repute The Daily Mail, and subsequently by the blog Liberal America, soon to be First Lady of the United States Melania Trump did not work as a paid escort for New York fashion maven Paolo Zampolli. 

Melania Trump being classy as fuck and definitely not trading sexual favors for compensation

Although it is true she was a model, and posed for this spread in GQ in January 2000 when she was first dating Donald Trump, it is most definitely not proven to be the case that she was a paid escort at any time, including now. 

The office of POTUS deserves respect, as does the role of the FLOTUS. Melania is Donald Trump's third wife, and there appears to be no cracks in their relationship. Therefore, any efforts to impugn them are out of line. 

Melania Trump was never a prostitute, and she proved it by filing a lawsuit against both The Daily Mail and wingnut blogger Webster Tarpley, who also accused Trump of being a prostitute in his blog, which I shall not name. Mr. Tarpley responded to the lawsuit, which Melania Trump was in a courtroom pursuing earlier in the week:

"Melania Trump’s lawsuit against me is without merit. Mrs. Trump is a public figure actively engaged in the Trump for president campaign. We are confident that Mrs. Trump will not be able to meet her high burden of proving the statements published about her on my website were defamatory in any way. Her lawsuit is a blatant attempt to intimidate not only me but journalists of all stripes into remaining silent with regard to public figures. This lawsuit is a direct affront to First Amendment principles and free speech in our democratic society."

First Amendment? What do you think this is, America?

If there were a list of women who definitely were not prostitutes during the 1990's, Melania Trump's name would be at the top like John Hancock.