Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Supposedly Bad Dudes From The Bad Dudes Video Game Don't Look Very Bad At All

I never played the Bad Dudes video game, probably because the two main characters looked like gay twin Joe Piscopos. Sure, they have muscles, but somehow those muscles don't inspire fear in me. They look like those popcorn muscles Brandon Marshall accused Miami linebacker Joey Porter of having. I was a Contra man myself. In fact, the National Gamers Hall of Fame recently named me the greatest Contra player of all time

Bad Dudes, Bad Dudes, what ya gonna do?

There's also a movie based on the Bad Dudes video game. Apparently it star Jean-Claude Van Damme as both bad dudes. I feel like this is a clever premise, but sort of cuts Van Damme's bad dudeliness in half. In my opinion Mr. T should have played the role of the second bad dude.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Time Traveling Penis Webseries Renewed For a Second Season

Rumors that The Time Traveling Penis webseries has been renewed are true. Will we learn the origin and the true identity of TTTP in Season 2? Who knows. Will the Time Traveling Penis' arch enemy The Asshole finally make an appearance? I'm not sure. The truth is the penis was involve in an accident and is now stained with soy sauce or some brown sort of gravy and I'll have to buy another dildo if I want to create more  episodes. They say you can't change Dicks midstream, and after what happened on Bewitched I'm the last person who wants to be responsible for a dick switch like that, but maybe I'll throw an iron Man twist in their and the TTTP will get a dildo upgrade. 

I've wanted a Super 8 camera since I was a teenager, so maybe I'll buy a camera and shoot The Time Traveling Penis on film. Maybe inertia will prevent me from doing anything at all. I do have to get out in this snow and go to the bank, however.

The Time Traveling Penis. I have no idea how to get whatever stain that is off of a  pink, latex dildo. Maybe I can paint it. Maybe I'll get some Comet cleanser out and scrub it. Maybe I'll just do the world a favor and cancel the webseries.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Rockford Transit Token

I bought one of these Rockford transit tokens on Ebay last week. No particular reason, I just liked the style  of it. I doubt they'd let me get on the bus with one of these anymore. I do ride the bus occasionally. It costs $1.50 now. In fact, one summer I rode the bus quite a bit and wrote a bunch of poems for children. That was 2007. I used to have some good success writing poems in the truck when I did appliance delivery. Something about the motion of the vehicle, especially when you're not driving, is good for the writing process. 

Rockford transit token

Monday, January 28, 2013

Pool of Radiance: The Pyramid of Yarash

I played Pool of Radiance again over Christmas because I had some time on my hands. I play it every twenty years or so and intend to play it again ten years from now. I think I'll be safe playing it in ten years because even now a month later I barely remember what happened. One of the more interesting adventures you'll come across in Pool of Radiance is this pyramid on an island. You'll quickly figure out a teleporter is involved. So you'll want to be mapping. 

Get yourself several sleeves of those fun size candy bars because you'll be in here a couple of hours. The upshot of the pyramid is you'll find a laboratory where a cat named Yarash is performing experiments on various creatures and character races to create a mutant army. I'll leave it up to you to find Yarash, but after you defeat him make sure you claim your treasure by 

19 - Teleporter

The teleporter will take you to #19a-#19d (see #18). #19a is a one-way teleporter that you can use to quickly get out of the pyramid. #19b-d are two-way teleporters that you can use to get to treasure rooms. If you search in the treasure rooms, then you'll find lots of treasure: 

#19b: a magic user scroll, a broad sword +1, and a long sword +1 

#19c: a voulge +2, a bastard sword +1, and splint mail +1 

#19d: a long sword +2, a magic user scroll, and a ring of fire resistance 

For some reason I found this adventure more challenging than Valhingen Graveyard, but probably only because I'm rather adept at fighting the undead, whereas spatial intelligence just isn't my thing. 

Why You Shouldn't Shop At Walmart, Unless You Have Jock Itch

I wrote a blog today about the evils of shopping at Walmart. Shortly after that I went to Walmart to shop at Walmart. 

They has a bin overflowing with remedies for everything from the droop to jock itch, and since I occasionally struggle with the funguses I bought a bunch of Clotrimazole and Hydrocortisone. 88 cents each. I remember one time when I had no health insurance a doctor that had been treating my family for two generations prescribed me Hydrocortisone for a nasty irritation I had. And he, the pharmacist, and the entire industry allowed me to pay fifty dollars of money I didn't have for a product that was selling two aisles over for two dollars. So, in this lifetime it's usually impossible to figure out who the biggest cocksucker is in any situation. There's never a shortage. I feel guilty about shopping at Walmart. But I like 88 cents antifungal ointments.

Alan Ormsby's Poster For Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Alan Ormsby's poster for the re-release of my favorite movie, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things is one of my favorite movie posters. I was fortunate enough to snag it at a nice price one late night on Ebay as soon as it was listed. I'm also looking for a first printing of the Scholastic Book he wrote about monster make up for kids. 

1974 Europix Promotional Poster For Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Alaska State Troopers

Every time I see a commercial for the show about Alaska State Troopers on National Geographic I have the same initial reaction: "How interesting can a show about state troopers in Alaska be?" Then I realize it's an entire state populated by gun nuts, fugitives from the law, drunken Native Americans, and every type of whacko who wants to engage in whatever deviant behavior flicks their Bic without anyone stopping them. I suspect being a state trooper in Alaska may be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. You never know who or what you're rolling up on. In the episode I saw they broke up a drunken college party and investigated a severed hand that turned out to be a bear's paw. 

Plus you'd get to work  with hot chicks. Overall, I think it would be an ok job. 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law Drinks a Tab Cola

I love Tab Cola. I remember my uncle Morris used to mix it with his rum when he and my dad would get blasted after work. Often if he was getting a good buzz on he didn't hardly even use any of the Tab Cola and would let me have one. Then he'd tell stories about sailors getting their schmeckels scrubbed out with a wire brush after a brush with a Polynesian transvestite. I didn't know Harvey Birdman was also a fan of Tab Cola. Maybe he was in the Navy when he was younger.

Then Tab Cola disappeared from the market. Something about cancer in rats. I don't know why they were drinking it in the first place but they ruined it for everyone. Then I moved to Chicago in the middle of winter one year. Actually I moved to Evanston and one day I walked into the Dominick's on Chicago and there it was...

No, not some hairy lech creeping out all the chicks at the beach

Tab Cola. Nectar of the gods. At least the gods of cynicism, pessimism, and derision. I used to get on the redline there across from Dominick's and get off in Wrigleyville and drink. One of the bars I liked was called Sluggers. I liked it because Sluggers was also the name of one of the ten or so bars I'd been fired from in my bartending "career." I got so blasted one night I got lost after I got off the redline and stumbled into a cemetery there and since there was an icy rain freezing me to the bone I tried to break in to one of the crypts, but found them all well fortified against trespass by drunken maniac poets such as myself. I think I got "home" that night, but I'm not sure. For all I know I might still be there but it seems unlikely.  But besides the Tab Cola they also had these Maruchan Won Ton soup cups that I became addicted to. Then they discontinued those as corporations are wont to do when i fall in love with an item. 

Please bring back Maruchan oriental flavor won ton soup or I'll be forced to resort to ghoulish behavior again.

Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls

Why have ghouls never gotten their due? They eat human flesh, just like zombies. The word "ghoul" is fun to say. Try it. They've been around a long time in the shadows of more glamorous monsters like vampires, werewolves, zombies, just waiting for their shot to step into the spotlight. But nothing. 

I blame the monsterarchy. Keeping ghouls down. Even the Creature From the Black Lagoon gets more respect than your average ghoul. 

Quick, name three movies about ghouls. 

There's Ghoulies. Then there's Ghoulies 2. Then there's Ghoulies 3 (if they made a Ghoulies 3) Then there's...

The Ghoul(1975) starring Peter Cushing. A good movie, yes, but hardly anyone has ever seen it. If you want ghouls may I suggest The Monster Club, a 1981 horror anthology where the third story is all about, you guessed it... 

Ghouls! As drawn by artist John Bolton. The third and final story in the Monster Club is about a village of ghouls that...

Well, you shall see, you shall see.