Saturday, January 26, 2013

Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law Drinks a Tab Cola

I love Tab Cola. I remember my uncle Morris used to mix it with his rum when he and my dad would get blasted after work. Often if he was getting a good buzz on he didn't hardly even use any of the Tab Cola and would let me have one. Then he'd tell stories about sailors getting their schmeckels scrubbed out with a wire brush after a brush with a Polynesian transvestite. I didn't know Harvey Birdman was also a fan of Tab Cola. Maybe he was in the Navy when he was younger.

Then Tab Cola disappeared from the market. Something about cancer in rats. I don't know why they were drinking it in the first place but they ruined it for everyone. Then I moved to Chicago in the middle of winter one year. Actually I moved to Evanston and one day I walked into the Dominick's on Chicago and there it was...

No, not some hairy lech creeping out all the chicks at the beach

Tab Cola. Nectar of the gods. At least the gods of cynicism, pessimism, and derision. I used to get on the redline there across from Dominick's and get off in Wrigleyville and drink. One of the bars I liked was called Sluggers. I liked it because Sluggers was also the name of one of the ten or so bars I'd been fired from in my bartending "career." I got so blasted one night I got lost after I got off the redline and stumbled into a cemetery there and since there was an icy rain freezing me to the bone I tried to break in to one of the crypts, but found them all well fortified against trespass by drunken maniac poets such as myself. I think I got "home" that night, but I'm not sure. For all I know I might still be there but it seems unlikely.  But besides the Tab Cola they also had these Maruchan Won Ton soup cups that I became addicted to. Then they discontinued those as corporations are wont to do when i fall in love with an item. 

Please bring back Maruchan oriental flavor won ton soup or I'll be forced to resort to ghoulish behavior again.

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