Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Rest of Universe Sues NASCAR Fans For Damages

In a shocking twist of events bordering on improbability, but certainly crossing over the line of incredulity, the rest of the Universe has countersued the fans injured at last weeks' race at Daytona Speedway that are suing NASCAR.

"They showed a brazen lack of judgement that has resulted in great pain and suffering to those of us in the Universe who are not toothless morons," said Alexander Surestuff, attorney for The People of the Universe v Fans Injured In Race At A Speedway Where Two Ton Vehicles Travel At 200 Miles Per Hour Literally Feet In front of Your Face.

Good luck, Mr. Surestuff. I await my check.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Distribution of Mindy McCready Sex Tape Halted, But Only Because No One Wanted To See It

Distribution of the Mindy McCready sex tape was halted by Vivid Video earlier today, but only because no one wanted to see it.

"We got ten, eleven boxes of it out in anticipation," Vivid Distribution Manager Max Weiner told Momus Shrugged. "We waited and waited, but no orders came in. It's not so much that we halted distribution, as has been reported, we just got tired and decided to go home.  The guys really got hungry and I didn't think it was important to keep them away from their food anymore." 
Mindy McCready.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Meteor Melts Edward James Olmos' Face

The meteor that recently passed over Russia melted actor Edward James Olmos' face. He was warned not to look up, but ignored the advice and this happened...

Filming of Olmos' latest movie, The Man Whose Face Was Melted By a Meteor was halted so another star with a slightly less melted face could replace him.

Friday, February 15, 2013

NASA Builds Rocket Ship To "Find God," Gets Republican Endorsement

NASA spokesperson Peter Argent announced Tuesday the space agency's next mission would be to build a rocket ship to find God. Specifically the Christian, non-Baptist God who lives far, far away. Republican members of Congress immediately proposed a one trillion dollar increase in NASA's budget. Argent went on to unveil the design of the proposed rocket. It looked a little bit like this...

Upon seeing the design, Republican representative Zeke "Festus" Boone of Kentucky inquired whether the flames were appropriate considering this would be the first time God would be seeing the handywork of His most special creations. When Boone was told the flames made the rocket ship go faster and therefore would get to God sooner he clapped his hands thusly...

NASA plans to spend $1.98 on the obviously non-functional rocket ship, then ply the Republican members with cartoons of Marvin the Martian while they use the other $999,999,999, 998 to improve humanity by exploring our Universe both inner and outer. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Move Over Dung Beetle, Typhaeus Momus Is Coming Through

There are over 350,000 identified species of beetle. In comparison, there are only 250,000 species of identified plants. Which begs one question...

Who ordered all these damn beetles?

I don't really, I just felt the need to state one thing that was a fact before I showed a picture of...

The male Typhaeus momus beetle. I guess some entomologist either ran out of names for the 350,000 different species, or was trying to be a smartass by naming a beetle after the god of sarcasm. Here at Momus Shrugged we like that.

Monday, February 11, 2013

For Every Momus There's a Euphome

Hater is the word from modern vernacular to describe someone who doesn't like something. It doesn't matter what it is, if you don't like it, you're a hater. 

Well, Momus was the original hater. He hated everything. He was like Mikey. 

Nothing pleased Momus, the demigod of mockery, blame, ridicule, scorn, complaint and stinging criticism. He was expelled from heaven for ridiculing the gods. 

We don't know if the demigod Momus looked at all like this dufus who also calls himself Momus, but it seems fitting. We do know from the Hesiod that Momus was a son of Nyx, begat of no one.

Hesiod, Theogony 211 ff (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic C8th or C7th B.C.) :
"And Nyx (Night) bare hateful Moros (Doom) and black Ker (Violent Death) and Thanatos (Death), and she bare Hypnos (Sleep) and the tribe of Oneiroi (Dreams). And again the goddess murky Nyx, though she lay with none, bare Momos (Blame) and painful Oizys (Misery), and the Hesperides . . . Also she bare the Moirai (Fates) and the ruthless avenging Keres (Death-Fates) . . . Also deadly Nyx bare Nemesis (Envy) to afflict mortal men, and after her, Apate (Deceit) and Philotes (Friendship) and hateful Geras (Old Age) and hard-hearted Eris (Strife)."

We also know only one thing or person in this entire cosmos was without defect to Momus...

The goddess Aphrodite. And since we know from her many vices and flaws of character that she was far from perfect we have good reason to question Momus' judgement as the arbiter of what is or is not worthy or mockery. Nonetheless, a gadfly in the hall of the gods working on no one in particular's behalf to take the gods down a peg is in and of itself a worthy endeavor. Hate on, Momus. 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Rest In Peace, Ian Shallowbottom

Lead singer of the band Chet Retorted, Ian Shallowbottom, was killed in a one car accident late last Saturday when a 1978 Fiat fell on his head.

"It's just the sort of stage trick you do a million times," explained a noticeably regretful Lem Cranston, the Retort's stage manager, "you just get a little nonchalant one time and..."

When asked if The Retort (as they are known by their fans) would pull out of the Mildly Dirty But Still Largely Usable Utensils Tour, Retort publicist Katarina Burger said "Probably not, Ian wasn't very talented or well liked. We'll probably just replace him."

Rest in peace, Ian Shallowbottom

Friday, February 8, 2013

United Press Universal Not Non-Existent As Previously Thought

In what could be an ironic turn of events yesterday, UPU (United Press Universal) spokesperson Yuri "Slap" Frederickson reported that the news agency never closed operations twenty years ago as many thought, and has indeed been cranking out news reports these last twenty years, but no one has been reading them. 

"Yes, 250 reporters work here everyday" Frederickson stated yesterday at a news conference attended only by one reporter from the Saskatoon Stampeder.

Reporter Dan Musgrave explained the hardest part of his day these past twenty years has been when he leaves the house every day his wife holds up the Universal sign for air quotes and says "going to work, honey?"

When asked if UPU intends to do a better job promoting the fact that they still exist in the future, Frederickson said "probably not." 

UPU reporters sweating it out in the bullpen.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Writer of Shatapatha Brahmana Steps Forward To Apologize For Embarrassing Pi Error

The writer of the 9th century BCE Indian tome, the Shatapatha Brahmana, Cedric "Cornbread" Johnson, stepped to a podium in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, Thursday to apologize for his egregious miscalculation of Pi those 30 centuries ago.

"I'm not sure what I was thinking, Johnson stated, but 339/108 seemed to make sense to me at the time. I'm so sorry."

Johnson was then escorted out of the building by several members of the math police. He probably looks something like this.

The Life of Pi

Monday, February 4, 2013

Richard III Deserves the Ray Lewis Treatment

After 500 years the bones of one of history's greatest villains, Richard III have been unearthed under a parking lot, and I've seen many people commenting that this should be the impetus to give Richard III a chance to rescue his reputation from the rogues gallery of history. There must be some sort of statute of limitations on murdering pretty much you ever met, right? 

Well, if recent history can be used as a barometer of the public's willingness to forgive scumbags, I'd say Richard III has a pretty good shot of being nominated as a saint by week's end. Let's just take a random example. I'll pick someone out of nowhere, like...

We know Ray Lewis is a Patriot.

And we know he's a devout man. What's a little bit of mayhem along the way? I say the same thing about Richard III. Murder a few nephews here and there and history gives you the brush off. I say Richard III was framed. Well, I don't say he was framed, I'm just saying if ten years is sufficient for a lot of people to forget Ray Lewis is basically human sewage, then 500 years should do similar wonders for one of history's biggest asswipes. Here's a picture of Richard III saying something about a horse...

My kingdom for a chiropractor. Thank you, I'll be here all week. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Don't Go Swimming With the Toten Corps

Listen, who am I to tell you what to do. I'm just a simple schlub with a magical penis and great hair, but I do have one word of advice for you. Don't go swimming with the Toten Corps. 

As it turns out, dead Nazis are much better swimmers than you would expect. Probably part of the same program that yielded so many manly woman Olympic swimmers. And they got plenty of practice with the being dead part, too. Ken Wiederhorn's 1977 dead Nazi classic Shock Waves is exhibit A as to why you should never go swimming with dead Nazis less than hour after eating. But there is further proof.

Even in a state of less than aliveness Nazis are pretty good at chasing tail, even underwater, as this scene from Zombie Lake demonstrates. My advice is don't swim with them. Because they're fucking dead. And they're Nazis. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Tricks of the Devil Like Breath Mints

Breath mints. I can't remember the last time I used one. Sometimes I'll forget to brush my teeth then have to conduct some sort of business in close quarters, but fortunately in those circumstances I'm usually dealing with someone beneath my social station and don't give much of a duck's rectum if they find my breath offensive or not. 

I wonder if Ray Lewis has bad breath. he seems nicely groomed when i seeing him saying things in post game press conferences. My guess is he pays attention to the details of social etiquette like keeping his breath fresh. The only conceivable trip up I can imagine is if he mistook his Binaca spray for deer antler spray. It has supposedly anabolic properties. But I imagine it smells rather rank. 

The Super Bowl is just two days from now. The hardest part of the wait is the pre-game show, because no matter how long you wait to turn on the television hoping to avoid the show it's still right in the middle of the show. I have Colin Kaepernick in a keeper league and I'm excited about his future in the NFL so I hope he does well. I really thought he was going to lay an egg in one of the high pressure games he has been in and people would start yelling for Alex Smith to replace him, but Alex Smith can't win a game for you. 

So, I'm hoping for a Niners win on Sunday, which virtually assures we'll be doing a word count on how many time Ray Lewis says the word "god" in the post game interview.