Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Pussy Riot Victimized Not By Russian Oppression, But By Bi-Annual Laws That Prohibit American Trendsters From Caring About More Than Two Issues Simultaneously

Russian punkers Pussy Riot saw the writing on the wall this week when American trendsters hopped aboard the gay marriage bandwagon. 

Knowing Facebook and Twitter laws prohibit Americans from caring about more than two bandwagon celebrity causes per year, the rockers grimly resigned themselves to a several more years of bad food and prison rape.

"I guess we sort of had it coming," Pussy Riot singer Katya Samutsevich said. "For what we did to SOPA. We knew the Americans weren't capable of supporting two celebrity causes simultaneously, so it was either gay marriage or freedom of speech." 

Maybe later in the year, ladies. I'd probably work on those pics, though, if you want to be taken seriously.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Outsider Poet Comes Inside, But Refuses To Relinquish Outsider Status

Outsider poet Henry Wolfsburg came inside several times last Friday evening during an open mic reading for Outsider Poets in Butte, Montana, but refused to subsequently turn in his Outsider poet membership card, as organizational by- laws require.

Three Outsider poets who remained outside in inclement conditions despite being asked several times to come in and warm their hands said "This is bullshit."

This reporter contacted the head of the Outsider Poetry Association of America, Nigel Higgenbothen, but his phone calls were not returned.

Wolfsburg admitted to stepping inside the Ambivalent Goat tavern twice. Once to pee, and another time to see what time it was, but he claims never considered reading a poem.

But Outsider purist Courtney Starkfield isn't buying it. "He knew damn well the first step inside The Goat voided his membership in the Outsider Poetry Association of America." 

Seventeen poets took place in the reading that night. All have been given thirty days to find another organization to join.

Monday, March 18, 2013

City Of Rockford Officials Shocked That In Addition To Being Considered Fat, Stupid, and Violent, They're Also Not Funny

Members of the Rockford Area Convention and Visitors Bureau were shocked to discover that in addition to their city being considered fat, stupid, and violent by the national media, their Misery Loves Company campaign has also branded them as unfunny. 

"My wife thinks I'm really funny," said the head of the Visitor's Bureau. "My great Uncle Bernie performed in the early days of Vaudeville," said the Chairman. "Right there in the Midway Theater," The Chairman accentuated his remark by pointing out the window to the historic Midway Theater, whose roof collapsed last March and still has not been replaced. 

But immediately sensing he had been caught in yet another blunder the Chairman quickly shifted ground: "Cheap Trick, Cheap Trick, Cheap Trick..."

This reporter could hear the Chairman repeating the words "Cheap Trick" over and over as he descended the stairs of The Rockford Area Convention and Visitors Bureau and took to the mean streets of Rockford.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rockford, Illinois Changes Tourism Slogan To "How About a Pity Fuck?"

The beleaguered city of Rockford, Illinois, rated America's third most miserable city by Forbes Magazine, has changed its Tourism slogan from the botched Misery Loves Company to Rockford: How About a Pity Fuck?

Rockford, known for wasting 2.5 million dollars on this piece of shit sculpture no one ever liked and plopping it down in the middle of the blighted city's formerly economically vital epicenter, recently approved $100,000 tax dollars to launch the equally idiotic Misery Loves Company tourism campaign.

No further joke necessary.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Women demand More Input On Selection of Pope, Are Asked To bring Cardinals Sammiches

Many women's groups spoke out today that women should be more involved in the selection of the next Pope.

The Cardinals agreed and immediately sent the maid out for sammiches.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Illinois Proposes Removing Polling Places From Schools and Into Churches So Priests Can Have Equal Shot At Fresh Meat

A new proposal in the Illinois House would prohibit election polling places from being in public schools for fear of exposing children to sex offenders, and would move them to safer locations like Catholic churches so priests can get an equal shot at the fresh meat. 

Sadly, I don't even have the brainpower to make something that fucking stupid up so here's the story from WIFR in Rockford.

Single, unemployed, and ready to mingle.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Sinkhole Apologizes For Swallowing Florida Man, Claims Sex Addiction

The sink hole that swallowed a Florida man earlier this week apologized to the man's family and admitted in a tearful press conference that he is a sex addict. 

"I feel really bad about this, you know," SinkHole said to the assembled presses of the world. Answering a question from The Sinkhole Enthusiast as to whether SinkHole would seek treatment for its sex addiction, SinkHole replied "It's really hard to find a good program and work the steps when you're, you know, a geological phenomenon" SinkHole responded. 

What next, SinkHole, what next?