Wednesday, June 25, 2014

As Ukelele Girl Trend Peters Out, Untalented But Pretty Girls Forced To Return To Stripping Careers

As the trend of cute but otherwise untalented girls who play ukeleles and sing in baby voices peters out, strip club owners are reporting a boom in women returning to the time-honored "I'm a graduate student working my way through law school" trope as an excuse to not do any work of real substance or make any effort to actually learn something meaningful in this life because they are attractive. 

Wikipedia Editor Who Believed He Had Finally Lost Virginity Discovers He Was Only Fucking Taint

Sheldon Fishgreip, who has edited over six thousand Wikipedia articles, and is a renowned watchdog for internet accuracy, was forced to retract his triumphant Twitter announcement that he had finally "Had sex with another homosapien" Friday, when he was subsequently informed by the prostitute that he was in her taint the entire time. 

It was a crushing blow for Fishgreip, who, in all honesty, has no chance of ever having sex with a real woman ever again, or scraping the twenty dollars together to hire another prostitute, not even in Pittsburgh. There is a positive to this story, though, according to Fishgreip. He said his failure to have sex with a living woman has only intensified his feelings of inadequacy and motivated him to be an even more intensely passively aggressive asswipe towards other people in this Universe who actually do stuff and make things. Good luck big Sheldon, I'm sure all your fellow Wikipedia editors are pulling for you. Right now. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Man Desperate For Attention On Monday Afternoon Becomes First Human To Actually Make Tits Boring

Momus Shrugged staff writer Lester Ramson was so bored and starved for attention this afternoon that he succumbed to the temptation to exploit the female mammary gland to draw attention to his articles. After receiving only six views despite a furious Twitter campaign, Mr. Ramson has been dismissed from the Momus Shrugged staff for doing what was previously deemed impossible... making tits boring. Lester's insistent conviction that he is funny will be missed around the office, but seriously, if you can't sell tits to idiotic Americans, you gots to go. 

Now go home and get your shine boxes.